Chluy And Goe

It happened.

Last weekend, these two fools tied the proverbial muthafuggin knot.

I think it was one of the coolest days i've ever experienced.

Seeing these two mugginses look into each others eyes and vow to spend the rest of their lives together would've moved even soviet man of steel Ivan Drago from Rocky IV to tears.

It was especially satisfying and full-circle turning for me, having had the luxury of tracing the evolution of their coupledom from start to finish. Like watching a Shakespeare play, having actually understood what the hell is going on, line for line, having taken in the poetry of the whole thing, so when Billy Shakes drops his bombs in the finale, you're like holy motherfucking shit now i know what all the fuss is about. It's the way these two made me feel about marriage.

I remember back in the dizzledom, when Guy brought this broad home one day, and i met Chloe for the first time. And the proceeding next few months, which obliged me to put pen to paper/braindrain to blog.


No, there is nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream..

someone once said.

This is all well and good, but when love's young dream is playing itself out right next door to your melon in a flat with paper thin walls and wakes you up twice at night and once again in the morning, you start to question just how sweet it is.

This guy has the right idea.

In fact it might be the best thing i've ever seen on youtube.


And then circumstances came about that Chloe ended up coming to live with me for three months while Guy worked away in Geneva. So i got to know her in a way only a flatmate can get to know a flatmate, warts and all, which was heavy because she stopped being my best mate's girlfriend, and became instead kind of like a sister. Which led me to write this.


I've had the confusing privilege of being obliged - pretty much against my will, or at least having had jack crap say in the matter - to spend a lot of time over the past three years with my best mate's girlfriend. It's not like i chose to keep hanging out with the two of them. He was my flat mate. Until she STOLE HIM AWAY FROM ME. Now i live on my own and it's pathetic.

Look how unenthused he is by the whole thing. That's not love etched onto his face. That's pain.

Yes, pain. Which isn't all that surprising seeing as the conversational topics that spew from her pretty mouth on the regular can be boiled down to a grand total of three.



and whoever the hell is getting married in the not too distant future

And guess what's happening next june? 

They are.

They're already fucking practising. It's so gay.

That's not my mate's dad. That's him. I know. Easy mistake to make.

You know that scene from the Shawshank Redemption when old man Brooks gets freed after doing fifty years, and starts living on the outside and finds it all very confusing and ends up wanting to reoffend because jail is the only place he feels he fits in and can make any sense of? Given the opportunity to live life over again, odds-on Brooks would've liked to have not done time at all. But shit panned out the way it did. Life just happened. Well, this is kind of the way i feel about Chloe

What i'm trying to say is sometimes the things that get forced upon you have a funny way of sneaking up on you and before you know it one day you come to and you're pretty attached to them. I put on a front but secretly i'm not that opposed to them getting married. Not at all. Who knows it might be quite cool.

I mean any girl who can do a flaming 360 on a fucking snake board is okay in my book.

 A  S N A K E   B O A R D


And that's why watching them last saturday going through the motions was so freaking badman. It was like watching a brother and a sister get married. Not literally, that would've been fucking weird and probably illegal. But it's the first time i'd ever seen two people that close to me look into each others eyes and say all the things that people say to each other at altars, and to then watch G-funk stand up in the marquee and say a whole load of from the heart stuff about his bride to be, made the whole thing take on an extra special resonance and gravity. 

People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Checking these two, arm in arm, looking in turn so pimp and so pretty, gallivanting around the whole afternoon while they were power-showered with love from all angles, made one want some part of it for oneself. The biggest compliment i can pay to them both and to the whole day, is that if it wasn't seriously gay i might have tried to catch the freaking bouquet.

Here's my best man's speech. I decided to tell the story of their life from the morning after their wedding til the day they walk off into the sunset as 85 yr olds. It was leftfield and i got heckled. Which when you're half way through a pretty unconventional speech is quite disconcerting. But apparently the heckler was wasted and he's a grade A buttmuncher anyway. Lots of people came up to me at the end and said it went down well. 

If in doubt, drop Hip Hop by Dead Prez at the end. No speech that ends with that can possibly be bad.



c o n g r a t u l a t i o n s   d w e e b s

y o u  g u y s  a r e  t h e 

b e s t e s t

They're currently honeymooning in Columbia doing their best Toni Montana impressions.

Who the hell said jealousy is just a bullshit emotion.

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