The Wheels Of Steal

Bike thieves are the gimps of the earth, the warts on the hairy butt of society, the flies buzzing round the feaces of humanity. I left my bike locked up all dandy for about hour and a half while I went to the theatre with my mother, and came out to find this sorry sight. It hurt. The Wheels of Steel with no freakin Wheels isn't all that much to look at.

Those merciful fuckwits took both my wheels and still had the balls to leave my chain and mudguard. It's like stealing all the clothes off a homeless person and leaving him buttnaked with one sock on. What the hairy balls is the point of that? Finish the job you fuckers. I had to walk all the way home from the south bank with my bike on my shoulder. Actually I didn't have to - I could have got on a bus - but I felt like it, the way some weirdos seem to like wallowing in their hangover when they could just be butchering Alka Seltzer

As I walked home I figured that to get really peed off would just be a waste of my energy, I'd be lowering myself to the level of these lowlife dweebs by letting them affect me. As Billy Shakespeare once wrote, "The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief." And the walk turned out awesome. I got loads of collective love from taxi drivers, night bus passengers, dustbin men, homeless guys, all coming together to voice their disapproval of the aggressor, in support of the aggressed. Felt good, some sweet ass street solidarity. And I've been in a great mood recently cos things are fly, and my nutsack is no longer frozen solid at the end of a half hour ride, so something that a month ago would've pissed me off pretty bad actually really didn't matter one bit. So I suppose the moral of the story is.. go out, party and be cool so when crappy things happen they won't mean half as much. Everyone's a winner, even the thief I suppose. Just like Somerset Maugham said, "can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation."

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Actually fuck that, who am I kidding. I need some industrial bolt cutters and an angle grinder.

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